FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .
My uncle sent me these in a fowarded e-mail. I felt moved to comment on some of 'em.
In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. You know what? This is absolutely true. My father-in-law will probably be one of the four men. He's the one who is red-headed and has oil and grease permanently embedded in his hands.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....do not buy food at this store. Also true, but this doesn't apply to restaurants that are attached to the side of the bait shops. If you don't give 'em a try, you'll miss out on some of the best fried chicken in the world. So good it will make your tongue slap your brains out.
Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive. Can't agree with this one. In Kentucky, "you" is singular, "y'all" is plural, and we do away completely with "all y'all."
Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?" Sometimes we even smile dryly and add, "You're a furrener, ain't ya?"
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it. Hell, I'll instruct you now. Use it to fry cornbread fritters in. Use it to fry eggs in. Use it for collards.
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it. It's not that we can't understand the Northern dialect. We just don't care to do so. There's a huge difference there.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. Yes, it is. We just add a juicy southern flavor to it.
Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here. You'd be surprised how true this statement is.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say. It probably means that a four-wheel-drive is about to go somewhere that man was not meant to go.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there. You must also grab at least two gallons of milk, three loaves of bread, and all of the bologna you can find. Feel free to elbow others out of the way, but don't be surprised when little old ladies with huge hairdos put the beatdown on ya.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim. This is gospel, I promise. My boys are excellent shots. My husband will tell you that I'm the best shot he knows. He has bet money on me in the past.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway. Take a look at my gravel driveway with the grass bravely poking its head through and you will know that this is the truth.
AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
No, but we do make cat-head biscuits, which are biscuits as big as a cat's head.
In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. You know what? This is absolutely true. My father-in-law will probably be one of the four men. He's the one who is red-headed and has oil and grease permanently embedded in his hands.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....do not buy food at this store. Also true, but this doesn't apply to restaurants that are attached to the side of the bait shops. If you don't give 'em a try, you'll miss out on some of the best fried chicken in the world. So good it will make your tongue slap your brains out.
Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive. Can't agree with this one. In Kentucky, "you" is singular, "y'all" is plural, and we do away completely with "all y'all."
Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?" Sometimes we even smile dryly and add, "You're a furrener, ain't ya?"
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it. Hell, I'll instruct you now. Use it to fry cornbread fritters in. Use it to fry eggs in. Use it for collards.
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it. It's not that we can't understand the Northern dialect. We just don't care to do so. There's a huge difference there.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. Yes, it is. We just add a juicy southern flavor to it.
Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here. You'd be surprised how true this statement is.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say. It probably means that a four-wheel-drive is about to go somewhere that man was not meant to go.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there. You must also grab at least two gallons of milk, three loaves of bread, and all of the bologna you can find. Feel free to elbow others out of the way, but don't be surprised when little old ladies with huge hairdos put the beatdown on ya.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim. This is gospel, I promise. My boys are excellent shots. My husband will tell you that I'm the best shot he knows. He has bet money on me in the past.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway. Take a look at my gravel driveway with the grass bravely poking its head through and you will know that this is the truth.
AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
No, but we do make cat-head biscuits, which are biscuits as big as a cat's head.
posted by Deonna at 1:24 PM
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